Some days

Some days all I need apparently is a quick chat with my amazing best friend and a hot bowl of home made soup and some of my giant walls crash down. My best friend is a dizzying 3000 miles away. So mostly we talk by text, but honestly it is still like having her here with me sometimes. We don’t have to talk about anything special or epic, and even just in texts I can hear her voice, being friends for 15 years will do that I suppose. We can chat about TV or some inane thing that wouldn’t matter to anyone but the two of us, and it still can lift weights off me that I don’t even notice until they are gone. She even lets me flirt with her husband and doesn’t get mad! Honestly I don’t know how the poor man puts up with us sometimes when we are actually all together. I would feel bad, but he married into this friendship!

We are ridiculous
We are ridiculous

Talking to her plus eating a giant bowl of amazing homemade Santa Fe chipotle chicken soup made me feel more like myself today! Some days I wonder why it seems so hard to take a deep breath, I just need to remember that self-care can be as simple as a text message and some delicious food.  I may have a seriously annoying summer cold, but the soup made me feel human, and my bestie made me feel like a rock star. I managed to get dressed and clean some of my apartment. I actually accomplished things! Then my jerk cat went on a fall hairball pukin’ rally and I had to clean up after him and give him some hairball medicine. He’s lucky he is so cute.

The handsome boy "helping" me make the bed
The handsome boy “helping” me make the bed
He knows he's cute
He knows he’s cute

He may have thrown a wrench in my momentum, but this was a day I had counted out already and I put on my adulting pants and did some things. I may even work on my journal some today. Take that world.

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Troubles

I have spent the past week with a serious aversion to the written word. It seems so silly, but even in my journal I stare at a blank page and want things to just appear on it. I can doodle, I can even letter someone else’s quotes. My own words are having trouble coming out. I don’t know if I am blocked or just keeping things in. It’s a weird feeling to not find words, I feel like my whole life words have been easy.

not today

It doesn’t help that I am feeling not well. Had migraines and a seizure yesterday, and now my throat is killing me and my ear is throbbing. I feel like I spent a day in a room full of germs and am now paying the price. Fall colds… BOO! I love the fall, and the fall here in the Pacific Northwest is something like I have never experienced. It is like my perfect idea of fall. I have not spent enough time outside enjoying it. I need to work on that. I want to see more of what this beautiful state has to offer!

rainier

I need to get out of this rut also. Maybe its time to free write until the blank page stops being so scary.

The Emotional Delays That Won’t Win

Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you don’t actually know how to react? Sitting, mouth agape, no words, no reaction whatsoever? I’ve actually felt that way a lot lately. Like the world going on around me makes no sense. Or I have forgotten how to react like a normal person. Some of this is the Depression and anxiety medications I am on, not to mention my seizure medications, they delay my reactions some. Sadly it isn’t only that, the stupid Depression does that too, when everything is gray you have to figure out what face is appropriate because reading them becomes harder. Normally you get good news, you smile and congratulate someone. With me, I sit, try to figure out how to make my face do that weird smile thing, then try to remember appropriate words to say. It can be quite comical looking back at these situations later, but in the moment it can be seriously upsetting and frustrating.

I always wanted to be the Terminator
I always wanted to be the Terminator

It is a bit like experiencing life through this weird time delay bubble. So when I do react to something, say bad news, it can be quite a bit later. That causes its own ridiculous problems, cause what the heck am I so upset about?! I’m just sitting here eating some Gushers and playing on the internet, oh crap maybe I am upset about that thing from yesterday! UGH. Then if you add in my serious short term memory issues from my seizures, and up to weeks long memory loss from same, my emotional reactions can be hard to manage.

It can get old!
It can get old!

Thankfully I am learning how to live a much more positive life, which has calmed some of the annoying delayed reactions. They aren’t gone but it is much easier to deal with delayed joy than delayed anger or upset. Joy at anytime is uplifting. I am also finding the fun in much smaller things, I used to think to be happy you had to have those huge happy moments, but even the little things are worth every second of enjoyment. Bored at night? Let’s pull out a board game and go on an adventure! Did we lose that co-op of Pandemic? Yes, but it was amazing none the less!! Can’t sleep? Pull out some crochet and work on something, making something is so relaxing and instantly rewarding! Plus, it is fall in the Pacific Northwest, and it is the most beautiful season I have ever experienced in my life! It’s cool, sunny, windy, and amazing, everything a fall should be!

This mountain makes my life!!!
This mountain makes my life!!!

It isn’t easy to learn a new way to react to things, but hell if it isn’t working! It is so worth it to feel this much better. The delay may always be there, but it doesn’t control my emotions anymore! I am letting hope and joy win, or well, I am learning to!

The Days I Don’t Win

Sometimes the only one you can stand is the cat
Sometimes the only one you can stand is the cat

Some days I can’t worry about winning. Some days I have to literally just try to get out to the other side. Today was one of those days. I spent all day just trying to get through. It’s been a day fraught with seizures, panic attacks, scary high blood pressure, and moodiness. It’s hard to get through days like this, but not impossible. Days like this are temporary, and honestly the better days far outnumber the horrible ones. It’s hard to see while I lay in bed praying my blood pressure goes down, or when I come to after what was clearly a bad seizure, but it does get better.

I just hope that someone out there can feel less alone. I hope that knowing that they don’t struggle alone is comforting. Some days we just tough it out waiting for a chance to make tomorrow just a little better.

The Seizures that Don’t Stop

I have epilepsy and man let me tell you how much that can suck. It is interesting to be at constant war with myself. I war with Depression, anxiety, and well seizures. My brain and I are not always on speaking terms. After June 4th of this year that is even more true. I had my first ever T.I.A. on June 4th. A T.I.A. or transient ischemic attack is a baby stroke. I honestly thought I was dying, it was a horrible experience, but I did have the reassuring thought that I might be patient zero for the zombie apocalypse. I scared the doctors by joking through immense pain, constant shaking, sweating, and a terrifying pulse. I think the doctors thought I may have already suffered permanent brain damage, and while that may be the case, mostly that is how I deal with horrible situations. I make horrible jokes, corny puns, and insult myself until I no longer feel like crying. I mentioned this before, but let me restate, I am a crier. In situations like the one a few months ago I was afraid if I started I would never stop… horrible timing steps in and I scare doctors. I spent a few days in a hospital with my seizure bumpers on the bed. It could have been much worse. I was lucky.

epilepsy

I suffer from multiple kinds of seizures. They are not as controlled as they should be. Every seizure is more of a chance for brain damage. I have panic attacks about having more seizures. If I have a panic attack my chance of seizure actually increases because my heart rate gets too high. It also increases my chance for a stroke. It is a giant feedback loop of stress causes and reactions that can spiral. It is a new state of affairs for me, and I am working hard to cope and learn how to stop my feedback loops from being strong enough to power the world.

brain

This blog is a way for me to channel some of this extra anxious and terrifying energy into something much more positive. I may have epilepsy, but I am strong. I have hope, I will get through this and onto my next battle against the brain that is fighting dirty! I always knew I was different, I just didn’t know it was because my brain wanted to take over the world without any input from me! I will have to get it on my team! No more team brain!

anyone

You can fight back, even the small steps are steps in the right direction! My only goal is to try and fight back as gracefully and with as much strength as a friend of mine. Sarah you are amazing.

The boys that didn’t

I was a fair bit behind my time in high school when it came to boys.  My friends all lost their virginity before me, and dated seriously before me. I guess I mostly wanted friends and to play soccer and sing in choir, and read too many books. I have always been a true introvert. I find large groups to be tiring, and have to spend time recovering from things like parties. I am quite shy, though I hide it by being abrasive and loud, and at a party (if I have a had a few drinks) will try to be the center of attention. I am also a total softy. Like cry during songs and movies (please don’t tell people I still cry at the movie The Lake House like I did when I saw it in the theater, ugly cry…) This set me up to be quite the target for people who knew they could take advantage.

shaw

My first boyfriend wasn’t like this, and honestly was probably the most real of my teenage relationships that I ever had. I was quite young, but he got to know the person behind the wall of overly aggressive me, that I used to cover crippling shyness me. He had to move 2000 miles away and I must say that at that age long distance doesn’t work no matter how much first love wants it to.

heart in trash

My second longest relationship was to someone who took complete advantage of me. It took me YEARS after the breakup to realize how emotionally abusive and horrible he was to me. I always wanted to HELP him. If I could pay off his dealer he would get clean right? If I could pay his rent he would love me more wouldn’t he? If I let him drive my car he would finally understand my value as a person, he would have to! Yikes. Honestly even thinking about this is cringe city.

Don’t think I don’t take the blame for this as well, believe me I know my faults. I thought people were only supposed to be in your life for a few years, then everyone moved on (military brat syndrome,) I was majorly depressed even when these things were going on as well, so it becomes hard to see where bad ends and okay begins. Add to that the horrifying self-esteem issues and you get what is basically a recipe for dating disaster.

large

As an adult I am much more sure of what I want, who I want, and things I will NOT compromise on. At 16 I thought I knew everything. At 30 I know that I know just about nothing, but I learn new things every day! I wake up in the morning hopeful, and that is a huge change.

There may be a lot of people who didn’t end up the one, but I sure as heck know what I want!

adult

The BFF’s that didn’t stay forever

There are so many ways to go about putting my life into lists. Things that didn’t happen, BFF’s that didn’t stay as forever as we thought, songs I listened to on repeat. I could go on forever. But the one I spent all night thinking about was best friends. My life is a series of amazing friends, not all of them are still in my life, but they all played a HUGE role in me becoming the person that I am right now.

My first best friend was David. From kindergarten through the beginning of third grade David and I were so close that when he broke his leg really badly, my teacher actually took me out of school to go see him in the hospital. Thick as thieves on the playground, we were both Marine Corps brats. Then the military did its thing. We both moved to the same state when the new deployments went out, but it was never the same. (Also I just realized my first crush was named David too, is this a thing? Was it the name?)

shrug

Next was Rhiannon and Drew, man that was crazy for me. I was in a new state where seasons were a thing like I had never seen, and I got TWO best friends!! It was magical, we played pretend like nothing I could have imagined before. We were heroes from the past wielding swords against imagined bad guys. We played Heroes Quest, and became those heroes on that quest! We played computer games together. Our time was short lived, because we moved again. Not far, but blocks seem like miles at that age.

too far away

There was the age of two Katy’s. Katie and Katy. That was fun, and I messed that up. I also messed up many of the friendships after. Forever isn’t as easy as I imagined. It is easy to say people grow apart, it is harder to admit that for many years I wasn’t a great person. I could blame so many things, but it was just me. I was a horrible teenage girl. No seriously, all the thing people hate about teenage girls? I was those things.

boo whore

Then there is now. The best friend of 14 years. She is amazing, inspiring, tough, and a wonderful person to boot. Being 3000 miles apart doesn’t keep us from being best friends. Just makes it that much funnier that she knows when I need a call or text. (She’s got best-friend telepathy, and crazy psychic powers!) We can not talk for months at a time, but when we do talk it is like no time has passed, being her friend is always one of my favorite titles. She is a mom, not something I ever plan to be, but she does it so well! She is a rock-star, and my rock. We’ve had our share of hard times, don’t think its always been easy, and she has had to deal with my badness occasionally, but she always forgives me.

I may have Depression, but my Lizard she helps me fight off its lies. She reminds me that there may be a list of BFF’s that didn’t last forever, but I have the best BFF I could ask for.