I have epilepsy and man let me tell you how much that can suck. It is interesting to be at constant war with myself. I war with Depression, anxiety, and well seizures. My brain and I are not always on speaking terms. After June 4th of this year that is even more true. I had my first ever T.I.A. on June 4th. A T.I.A. or transient ischemic attack is a baby stroke. I honestly thought I was dying, it was a horrible experience, but I did have the reassuring thought that I might be patient zero for the zombie apocalypse. I scared the doctors by joking through immense pain, constant shaking, sweating, and a terrifying pulse. I think the doctors thought I may have already suffered permanent brain damage, and while that may be the case, mostly that is how I deal with horrible situations. I make horrible jokes, corny puns, and insult myself until I no longer feel like crying. I mentioned this before, but let me restate, I am a crier. In situations like the one a few months ago I was afraid if I started I would never stop… horrible timing steps in and I scare doctors. I spent a few days in a hospital with my seizure bumpers on the bed. It could have been much worse. I was lucky.
I suffer from multiple kinds of seizures. They are not as controlled as they should be. Every seizure is more of a chance for brain damage. I have panic attacks about having more seizures. If I have a panic attack my chance of seizure actually increases because my heart rate gets too high. It also increases my chance for a stroke. It is a giant feedback loop of stress causes and reactions that can spiral. It is a new state of affairs for me, and I am working hard to cope and learn how to stop my feedback loops from being strong enough to power the world.
This blog is a way for me to channel some of this extra anxious and terrifying energy into something much more positive. I may have epilepsy, but I am strong. I have hope, I will get through this and onto my next battle against the brain that is fighting dirty! I always knew I was different, I just didn’t know it was because my brain wanted to take over the world without any input from me! I will have to get it on my team! No more team brain!
You can fight back, even the small steps are steps in the right direction! My only goal is to try and fight back as gracefully and with as much strength as a friend of mine. Sarah you are amazing.