Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you don’t actually know how to react? Sitting, mouth agape, no words, no reaction whatsoever? I’ve actually felt that way a lot lately. Like the world going on around me makes no sense. Or I have forgotten how to react like a normal person. Some of this is the Depression and anxiety medications I am on, not to mention my seizure medications, they delay my reactions some. Sadly it isn’t only that, the stupid Depression does that too, when everything is gray you have to figure out what face is appropriate because reading them becomes harder. Normally you get good news, you smile and congratulate someone. With me, I sit, try to figure out how to make my face do that weird smile thing, then try to remember appropriate words to say. It can be quite comical looking back at these situations later, but in the moment it can be seriously upsetting and frustrating.
It is a bit like experiencing life through this weird time delay bubble. So when I do react to something, say bad news, it can be quite a bit later. That causes its own ridiculous problems, cause what the heck am I so upset about?! I’m just sitting here eating some Gushers and playing on the internet, oh crap maybe I am upset about that thing from yesterday! UGH. Then if you add in my serious short term memory issues from my seizures, and up to weeks long memory loss from same, my emotional reactions can be hard to manage.
Thankfully I am learning how to live a much more positive life, which has calmed some of the annoying delayed reactions. They aren’t gone but it is much easier to deal with delayed joy than delayed anger or upset. Joy at anytime is uplifting. I am also finding the fun in much smaller things, I used to think to be happy you had to have those huge happy moments, but even the little things are worth every second of enjoyment. Bored at night? Let’s pull out a board game and go on an adventure! Did we lose that co-op of Pandemic? Yes, but it was amazing none the less!! Can’t sleep? Pull out some crochet and work on something, making something is so relaxing and instantly rewarding! Plus, it is fall in the Pacific Northwest, and it is the most beautiful season I have ever experienced in my life! It’s cool, sunny, windy, and amazing, everything a fall should be!
It isn’t easy to learn a new way to react to things, but hell if it isn’t working! It is so worth it to feel this much better. The delay may always be there, but it doesn’t control my emotions anymore! I am letting hope and joy win, or well, I am learning to!