Some days

Some days all I need apparently is a quick chat with my amazing best friend and a hot bowl of home made soup and some of my giant walls crash down. My best friend is a dizzying 3000 miles away. So mostly we talk by text, but honestly it is still like having her here with me sometimes. We don’t have to talk about anything special or epic, and even just in texts I can hear her voice, being friends for 15 years will do that I suppose. We can chat about TV or some inane thing that wouldn’t matter to anyone but the two of us, and it still can lift weights off me that I don’t even notice until they are gone. She even lets me flirt with her husband and doesn’t get mad! Honestly I don’t know how the poor man puts up with us sometimes when we are actually all together. I would feel bad, but he married into this friendship!

We are ridiculous
We are ridiculous

Talking to her plus eating a giant bowl of amazing homemade Santa Fe chipotle chicken soup made me feel more like myself today! Some days I wonder why it seems so hard to take a deep breath, I just need to remember that self-care can be as simple as a text message and some delicious food.  I may have a seriously annoying summer cold, but the soup made me feel human, and my bestie made me feel like a rock star. I managed to get dressed and clean some of my apartment. I actually accomplished things! Then my jerk cat went on a fall hairball pukin’ rally and I had to clean up after him and give him some hairball medicine. He’s lucky he is so cute.

The handsome boy "helping" me make the bed
The handsome boy “helping” me make the bed
He knows he's cute
He knows he’s cute

He may have thrown a wrench in my momentum, but this was a day I had counted out already and I put on my adulting pants and did some things. I may even work on my journal some today. Take that world.

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The Emotional Delays That Won’t Win

Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you don’t actually know how to react? Sitting, mouth agape, no words, no reaction whatsoever? I’ve actually felt that way a lot lately. Like the world going on around me makes no sense. Or I have forgotten how to react like a normal person. Some of this is the Depression and anxiety medications I am on, not to mention my seizure medications, they delay my reactions some. Sadly it isn’t only that, the stupid Depression does that too, when everything is gray you have to figure out what face is appropriate because reading them becomes harder. Normally you get good news, you smile and congratulate someone. With me, I sit, try to figure out how to make my face do that weird smile thing, then try to remember appropriate words to say. It can be quite comical looking back at these situations later, but in the moment it can be seriously upsetting and frustrating.

I always wanted to be the Terminator
I always wanted to be the Terminator

It is a bit like experiencing life through this weird time delay bubble. So when I do react to something, say bad news, it can be quite a bit later. That causes its own ridiculous problems, cause what the heck am I so upset about?! I’m just sitting here eating some Gushers and playing on the internet, oh crap maybe I am upset about that thing from yesterday! UGH. Then if you add in my serious short term memory issues from my seizures, and up to weeks long memory loss from same, my emotional reactions can be hard to manage.

It can get old!
It can get old!

Thankfully I am learning how to live a much more positive life, which has calmed some of the annoying delayed reactions. They aren’t gone but it is much easier to deal with delayed joy than delayed anger or upset. Joy at anytime is uplifting. I am also finding the fun in much smaller things, I used to think to be happy you had to have those huge happy moments, but even the little things are worth every second of enjoyment. Bored at night? Let’s pull out a board game and go on an adventure! Did we lose that co-op of Pandemic? Yes, but it was amazing none the less!! Can’t sleep? Pull out some crochet and work on something, making something is so relaxing and instantly rewarding! Plus, it is fall in the Pacific Northwest, and it is the most beautiful season I have ever experienced in my life! It’s cool, sunny, windy, and amazing, everything a fall should be!

This mountain makes my life!!!
This mountain makes my life!!!

It isn’t easy to learn a new way to react to things, but hell if it isn’t working! It is so worth it to feel this much better. The delay may always be there, but it doesn’t control my emotions anymore! I am letting hope and joy win, or well, I am learning to!