Some days

Some days all I need apparently is a quick chat with my amazing best friend and a hot bowl of home made soup and some of my giant walls crash down. My best friend is a dizzying 3000 miles away. So mostly we talk by text, but honestly it is still like having her here with me sometimes. We don’t have to talk about anything special or epic, and even just in texts I can hear her voice, being friends for 15 years will do that I suppose. We can chat about TV or some inane thing that wouldn’t matter to anyone but the two of us, and it still can lift weights off me that I don’t even notice until they are gone. She even lets me flirt with her husband and doesn’t get mad! Honestly I don’t know how the poor man puts up with us sometimes when we are actually all together. I would feel bad, but he married into this friendship!

We are ridiculous
We are ridiculous

Talking to her plus eating a giant bowl of amazing homemade Santa Fe chipotle chicken soup made me feel more like myself today! Some days I wonder why it seems so hard to take a deep breath, I just need to remember that self-care can be as simple as a text message and some delicious food.  I may have a seriously annoying summer cold, but the soup made me feel human, and my bestie made me feel like a rock star. I managed to get dressed and clean some of my apartment. I actually accomplished things! Then my jerk cat went on a fall hairball pukin’ rally and I had to clean up after him and give him some hairball medicine. He’s lucky he is so cute.

The handsome boy "helping" me make the bed
The handsome boy “helping” me make the bed
He knows he's cute
He knows he’s cute

He may have thrown a wrench in my momentum, but this was a day I had counted out already and I put on my adulting pants and did some things. I may even work on my journal some today. Take that world.

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The Emotional Delays That Won’t Win

Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you don’t actually know how to react? Sitting, mouth agape, no words, no reaction whatsoever? I’ve actually felt that way a lot lately. Like the world going on around me makes no sense. Or I have forgotten how to react like a normal person. Some of this is the Depression and anxiety medications I am on, not to mention my seizure medications, they delay my reactions some. Sadly it isn’t only that, the stupid Depression does that too, when everything is gray you have to figure out what face is appropriate because reading them becomes harder. Normally you get good news, you smile and congratulate someone. With me, I sit, try to figure out how to make my face do that weird smile thing, then try to remember appropriate words to say. It can be quite comical looking back at these situations later, but in the moment it can be seriously upsetting and frustrating.

I always wanted to be the Terminator
I always wanted to be the Terminator

It is a bit like experiencing life through this weird time delay bubble. So when I do react to something, say bad news, it can be quite a bit later. That causes its own ridiculous problems, cause what the heck am I so upset about?! I’m just sitting here eating some Gushers and playing on the internet, oh crap maybe I am upset about that thing from yesterday! UGH. Then if you add in my serious short term memory issues from my seizures, and up to weeks long memory loss from same, my emotional reactions can be hard to manage.

It can get old!
It can get old!

Thankfully I am learning how to live a much more positive life, which has calmed some of the annoying delayed reactions. They aren’t gone but it is much easier to deal with delayed joy than delayed anger or upset. Joy at anytime is uplifting. I am also finding the fun in much smaller things, I used to think to be happy you had to have those huge happy moments, but even the little things are worth every second of enjoyment. Bored at night? Let’s pull out a board game and go on an adventure! Did we lose that co-op of Pandemic? Yes, but it was amazing none the less!! Can’t sleep? Pull out some crochet and work on something, making something is so relaxing and instantly rewarding! Plus, it is fall in the Pacific Northwest, and it is the most beautiful season I have ever experienced in my life! It’s cool, sunny, windy, and amazing, everything a fall should be!

This mountain makes my life!!!
This mountain makes my life!!!

It isn’t easy to learn a new way to react to things, but hell if it isn’t working! It is so worth it to feel this much better. The delay may always be there, but it doesn’t control my emotions anymore! I am letting hope and joy win, or well, I am learning to!

The Days I Don’t Win

Sometimes the only one you can stand is the cat
Sometimes the only one you can stand is the cat

Some days I can’t worry about winning. Some days I have to literally just try to get out to the other side. Today was one of those days. I spent all day just trying to get through. It’s been a day fraught with seizures, panic attacks, scary high blood pressure, and moodiness. It’s hard to get through days like this, but not impossible. Days like this are temporary, and honestly the better days far outnumber the horrible ones. It’s hard to see while I lay in bed praying my blood pressure goes down, or when I come to after what was clearly a bad seizure, but it does get better.

I just hope that someone out there can feel less alone. I hope that knowing that they don’t struggle alone is comforting. Some days we just tough it out waiting for a chance to make tomorrow just a little better.

The Seizures that Don’t Stop

I have epilepsy and man let me tell you how much that can suck. It is interesting to be at constant war with myself. I war with Depression, anxiety, and well seizures. My brain and I are not always on speaking terms. After June 4th of this year that is even more true. I had my first ever T.I.A. on June 4th. A T.I.A. or transient ischemic attack is a baby stroke. I honestly thought I was dying, it was a horrible experience, but I did have the reassuring thought that I might be patient zero for the zombie apocalypse. I scared the doctors by joking through immense pain, constant shaking, sweating, and a terrifying pulse. I think the doctors thought I may have already suffered permanent brain damage, and while that may be the case, mostly that is how I deal with horrible situations. I make horrible jokes, corny puns, and insult myself until I no longer feel like crying. I mentioned this before, but let me restate, I am a crier. In situations like the one a few months ago I was afraid if I started I would never stop… horrible timing steps in and I scare doctors. I spent a few days in a hospital with my seizure bumpers on the bed. It could have been much worse. I was lucky.

epilepsy

I suffer from multiple kinds of seizures. They are not as controlled as they should be. Every seizure is more of a chance for brain damage. I have panic attacks about having more seizures. If I have a panic attack my chance of seizure actually increases because my heart rate gets too high. It also increases my chance for a stroke. It is a giant feedback loop of stress causes and reactions that can spiral. It is a new state of affairs for me, and I am working hard to cope and learn how to stop my feedback loops from being strong enough to power the world.

brain

This blog is a way for me to channel some of this extra anxious and terrifying energy into something much more positive. I may have epilepsy, but I am strong. I have hope, I will get through this and onto my next battle against the brain that is fighting dirty! I always knew I was different, I just didn’t know it was because my brain wanted to take over the world without any input from me! I will have to get it on my team! No more team brain!

anyone

You can fight back, even the small steps are steps in the right direction! My only goal is to try and fight back as gracefully and with as much strength as a friend of mine. Sarah you are amazing.