I have the BIG D. Depression. I do not talk about it. EVER. To anyone. My depression is not the valid Big Sad, of that person you know whose life is just so tragic. They have every reason to be sad. In fact my depression isn’t sadness, I am not sad. I don’t even think I remember what sad feels like. My Depression is a big nothing. It’s a huge grayness that just settles on top of everything. Nothing leaves, it is just all gray. I wrote words in my journal today, on World Suicide Prevention Day, that actually scared me. Okay, scared is a strong word, but they shook me. I wrote “How can I be a better me when most days I have trouble just existing?” That is what my Depression is to me.
The worst part of my Depression to me is that I have not a single reason to be depressed. I have amazing friends and family, they love me, they worry about me, and they are absolutely amazing. My life isn’t a tragic story. I am not broken, but see, I am. My Depression makes me feel not worthy of being depressed. I feel like even talking about it will let people know that I just don’t deserve to feel like this.
I thought about suicide once. Actually had a plan, and I asked for help. I was a sophomore in high school and a friend of mine died in a car accident, they day after I found out my Grandfather went into the hospital with the same thing that killed my grandmother. That day at school my best friend called me out for being a big dumb stupid teenage girl and stopped being my friend. I was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do. Mrs. Brandon, my history teacher saved me. I told her I didn’t know what to do with all the huge, messy, and horrible emotions I was feeling. She got me help. I got better, or as better as I was able to. It’s been almost 15 years since that happened, half a lifetime away for me. Time flies.
People out there know how you feel.
Depression lies, ALL the time. (Thank you Wil Wheaton)
I have health problems that suck, sometimes I use that as a cover for my depression, but they aren’t the cause of my depression. I was depressed before I was sick, and honestly its hard for me to pinpoint when my depression started. When I got hurt, and got sick… shrug… it just got worse. I have epilepsy. I was in a car accident that caused a traumatic brain injury. I am Depressed. I don’t think I have ever said those words out loud before, but I am writing them here today with hope. I chose to hope that not only can my depression can get better, but that I can help someone else who might not know they need it.
My life seems like a huge jumble of things I didn’t do! Things that both I am eternally grateful to NOT have done, and things that I think I should have done. I am starting this blog to put some of those things into words. I hope someone out there is helped by knowing they aren’t alone. I also want to say there is more help out there. Please talk to someone, anyone. You are not alone.