Troubles

I have spent the past week with a serious aversion to the written word. It seems so silly, but even in my journal I stare at a blank page and want things to just appear on it. I can doodle, I can even letter someone else’s quotes. My own words are having trouble coming out. I don’t know if I am blocked or just keeping things in. It’s a weird feeling to not find words, I feel like my whole life words have been easy.

not today

It doesn’t help that I am feeling not well. Had migraines and a seizure yesterday, and now my throat is killing me and my ear is throbbing. I feel like I spent a day in a room full of germs and am now paying the price. Fall colds… BOO! I love the fall, and the fall here in the Pacific Northwest is something like I have never experienced. It is like my perfect idea of fall. I have not spent enough time outside enjoying it. I need to work on that. I want to see more of what this beautiful state has to offer!

rainier

I need to get out of this rut also. Maybe its time to free write until the blank page stops being so scary.

Advertisements

The boys that didn’t

I was a fair bit behind my time in high school when it came to boys.  My friends all lost their virginity before me, and dated seriously before me. I guess I mostly wanted friends and to play soccer and sing in choir, and read too many books. I have always been a true introvert. I find large groups to be tiring, and have to spend time recovering from things like parties. I am quite shy, though I hide it by being abrasive and loud, and at a party (if I have a had a few drinks) will try to be the center of attention. I am also a total softy. Like cry during songs and movies (please don’t tell people I still cry at the movie The Lake House like I did when I saw it in the theater, ugly cry…) This set me up to be quite the target for people who knew they could take advantage.

shaw

My first boyfriend wasn’t like this, and honestly was probably the most real of my teenage relationships that I ever had. I was quite young, but he got to know the person behind the wall of overly aggressive me, that I used to cover crippling shyness me. He had to move 2000 miles away and I must say that at that age long distance doesn’t work no matter how much first love wants it to.

heart in trash

My second longest relationship was to someone who took complete advantage of me. It took me YEARS after the breakup to realize how emotionally abusive and horrible he was to me. I always wanted to HELP him. If I could pay off his dealer he would get clean right? If I could pay his rent he would love me more wouldn’t he? If I let him drive my car he would finally understand my value as a person, he would have to! Yikes. Honestly even thinking about this is cringe city.

Don’t think I don’t take the blame for this as well, believe me I know my faults. I thought people were only supposed to be in your life for a few years, then everyone moved on (military brat syndrome,) I was majorly depressed even when these things were going on as well, so it becomes hard to see where bad ends and okay begins. Add to that the horrifying self-esteem issues and you get what is basically a recipe for dating disaster.

large

As an adult I am much more sure of what I want, who I want, and things I will NOT compromise on. At 16 I thought I knew everything. At 30 I know that I know just about nothing, but I learn new things every day! I wake up in the morning hopeful, and that is a huge change.

There may be a lot of people who didn’t end up the one, but I sure as heck know what I want!

adult

The BFF’s that didn’t stay forever

There are so many ways to go about putting my life into lists. Things that didn’t happen, BFF’s that didn’t stay as forever as we thought, songs I listened to on repeat. I could go on forever. But the one I spent all night thinking about was best friends. My life is a series of amazing friends, not all of them are still in my life, but they all played a HUGE role in me becoming the person that I am right now.

My first best friend was David. From kindergarten through the beginning of third grade David and I were so close that when he broke his leg really badly, my teacher actually took me out of school to go see him in the hospital. Thick as thieves on the playground, we were both Marine Corps brats. Then the military did its thing. We both moved to the same state when the new deployments went out, but it was never the same. (Also I just realized my first crush was named David too, is this a thing? Was it the name?)

shrug

Next was Rhiannon and Drew, man that was crazy for me. I was in a new state where seasons were a thing like I had never seen, and I got TWO best friends!! It was magical, we played pretend like nothing I could have imagined before. We were heroes from the past wielding swords against imagined bad guys. We played Heroes Quest, and became those heroes on that quest! We played computer games together. Our time was short lived, because we moved again. Not far, but blocks seem like miles at that age.

too far away

There was the age of two Katy’s. Katie and Katy. That was fun, and I messed that up. I also messed up many of the friendships after. Forever isn’t as easy as I imagined. It is easy to say people grow apart, it is harder to admit that for many years I wasn’t a great person. I could blame so many things, but it was just me. I was a horrible teenage girl. No seriously, all the thing people hate about teenage girls? I was those things.

boo whore

Then there is now. The best friend of 14 years. She is amazing, inspiring, tough, and a wonderful person to boot. Being 3000 miles apart doesn’t keep us from being best friends. Just makes it that much funnier that she knows when I need a call or text. (She’s got best-friend telepathy, and crazy psychic powers!) We can not talk for months at a time, but when we do talk it is like no time has passed, being her friend is always one of my favorite titles. She is a mom, not something I ever plan to be, but she does it so well! She is a rock-star, and my rock. We’ve had our share of hard times, don’t think its always been easy, and she has had to deal with my badness occasionally, but she always forgives me.

I may have Depression, but my Lizard she helps me fight off its lies. She reminds me that there may be a list of BFF’s that didn’t last forever, but I have the best BFF I could ask for.

Little me didn’t get to be middle brother

I have two older brothers, one is 5 years older than me and he is the “I wish I was just like him” brother, the other is 7 years older than me, and he is the “I am more like him then I admit out loud” brother.  I love my brothers, when I was little I think because of the age difference we just didn’t interact as much as I would have liked. Though honestly with how much I followed middle brother around trying to be him, I guess we could have been closer.  Middle brother was everything I wanted to be, sporty, funny, tough, smart, and awesome! I knew if I was annoying enough, and persistent enough I could be accepted by him and his friends. I mean really who doesn’t want to be friends with their annoying little sister?!

I spent much of my childhood aspiring to be middle brother. Sometimes I started fights just to be noticed by middle brother. That never ended well since middle brother was bigger, older, and more cunning than I! It is funny to me that some of my most vivid childhood memories are of me being a creepy little sister stalker. I stole his clothes, tried to talk like him, and looked up to him from the moment I can remember. The first Depression memory I can place is actually while following him around.

We had gotten massive rains and our back yard and the woods and creek behind our house were flooded. Middle brother and a few of his friends got a kayak or canoe and went out in the flood waters. I was watching from the family room window, and all I could think was “That is way too much work, but I bet he will remember that forever.” I knew that the effort to make memories with people, even then, was too much. I’ve spent much of my life feeling that way. I also didn’t ask to participate with middle brother anymore, I knew he mostly didn’t notice me, and really didn’t want his little sister around getting in the way of things. He said something to me recently that resonated, he mostly didn’t notice me.

I’ve felt that way for so long. Not noticed. Like I am jumping up and down under spot lights wondering what in the world I have to do to get people to see ME; which is funny considering I spend much of my energy day to day trying to HIDE me. It starts a pretty crazy cognitive dissonance for me, this idea that I want people to notice me while I actively try to hide who I am.

Little me didn’t get to be middle brother…

World Suicide Prevention Day

I have the BIG D. Depression. I do not talk about it. EVER. To anyone. My depression is not the valid Big Sad, of that person you know whose life is just so tragic. They have every reason to be sad. In fact my depression isn’t sadness, I am not sad. I don’t even think I remember what sad feels like. My Depression is a big nothing. It’s a huge grayness that just settles on top of everything. Nothing leaves, it is just all gray. I wrote words in my journal today, on World Suicide Prevention Day, that actually scared me. Okay, scared is a strong word, but they shook me. I wrote “How can I be a better me when most days I have trouble just existing?” That is what my Depression is to me.

The worst part of my Depression to me is that I have not a single reason to be depressed. I have amazing friends and family, they love me, they worry about me, and they are absolutely amazing. My life isn’t a tragic story. I am not broken, but see, I am.  My Depression makes me feel not worthy of being depressed. I feel like even talking about it will let people know that I just don’t deserve to feel like this.

I thought about suicide once. Actually had a plan, and I asked for help. I was a sophomore in high school and a friend of mine died in a car accident, they day after I found out my Grandfather went into the hospital with the same thing that killed my grandmother. That day at school my best friend called me out for being a big dumb stupid teenage girl and stopped being my friend. I was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do. Mrs. Brandon, my history teacher saved me. I told her I didn’t know what to do with all the huge, messy, and horrible emotions I was feeling. She got me help. I got better, or as better as I was able to. It’s been almost 15 years since that happened, half a lifetime away for me. Time flies.

People care.

People out there know how you feel.

Depression lies, ALL the time. (Thank you Wil Wheaton)

I have health problems that suck, sometimes I use that as a cover for my depression, but they aren’t the cause of my depression. I was depressed before I was sick, and honestly its hard for me to pinpoint when my depression started. When I got hurt, and got sick… shrug… it just got worse. I have epilepsy. I was in a car accident that caused a traumatic brain injury. I am Depressed. I don’t think I have ever said those words out loud before, but I am writing them here today with hope. I chose to hope that not only can my depression can get better, but that I can help someone else who might not know they need it.

My life seems like a huge jumble of things I didn’t do! Things that both I am eternally grateful to NOT have done, and things that I think I should have done. I am starting this blog to put some of those things into words. I hope someone out there is helped by knowing they aren’t alone.  I also want to say there is more help out there.  Please talk to someone, anyone.  You are not alone.

https://www.iasp.info/wspd/

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

1-800-273-TALK(8255)